Bachelor Pad: Episode 1 (Who Do These People Think They Are? Also… Who Are These People?)

Ok, fine, I admit it. I watch reality TV. And not just the high-brow reality TV like dream-maker “American Idol” and “So You Think You Can Dance,” or even the do-gooder, heart-warmer Extreme Makeover: Home Edition or even the silly-sweet Say Yes to the Dress. I watch the really, really, really bad reality TV. I watch “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” even though it drives me crazy that Kourtney literally had NO vocal range and can’t move her eyebrows. I watch “The Choice,” even though I can literally smell the desperation through my television set. Perhaps most embarrassingly, I am a person who wasted four seasons’ of “The Bachelorette” and three seasons’ of “The Bachelor” worth of her life watching four seasons of “The Bachelorette” and three seasons of “The Bachelor.” And now, instead of hiding away my really, really, really shaming choice of television, I plan on writing recaps of the “Bachelor Pad”, “The Bachelor”’s hillbilly, STD-ridden, desperately tragic cousin. That is saying something considering the fact that “The Bachelor” is a round-robin marriage tournament where people get engaged after 10 weeks of knowing each other and about five one-one-one dates.

There are a few reasons why I have decided to spend my time doing this.

  • Andrew Garfield has revealed he loves watching “The Bachelor” and that he enjoys stupidity. 
  • I actually do think it’ll help me in the long run. Eventually, I want to be able to write recaps for stupid reality TV shows for the Huffington Post or Entertainment Weekly.
  • I want to make fun of stupid people. 

The first and last reason actually had a much heavier persuasion for me than the second reason, which is actually the only reason on the list that seems to make a case about how this would be a suitable use of my time.
This is my life. These are my choices.

Anyways, don’t worry. I’ve put on hand sanitizer.

Let the recap begin!

I actually haven’t watched “The Bachelor” recently (the last one I watched was Jake Pavelka’s so maybe you can guess why) so I pretty much don’t know any girls in this house. However, I recognize some of the guys because I am a much bigger fan of “The Bachelorette.”

The Players:

There’s crazy, like literally serial-killer-eyes Chris. He also looks like Gerard Butler. He wants to find love on the Bachelor Pad. I am convinced Emily kept him around so long because she thought he was attractive, but he is not attractive to me at all. He looks crazy, literally like a serial killer.

Like I said, I actually have no idea who Lindzi is, but she’s a girl who got dumped by Ben, whose season I didn’t watch solely because I thought he was actually so unattractive I couldn’t stomach watching him kissing girls.

I LOVE Reid. He looks like Chandler from Friends and he tried so hard for Jillian Harris’s heart (my favorite Bachelorette).

I HATE Ed. He looks like a guy who sleeps with 21-year-old girls and THEN asks to make sure they’re legal and he cheated on Jillian (my favorite Bachelorette).

Who is this? Blakeley? I like her name but she’s not that attractive. She’s a waxer (basically, a job). She’s got that going for her. She was dumped by Ben. She’s got that not going for her.

Jaclyn is wearing a shirt that says “Can’t Buy Me Love” but she’s on a show that literally centers around love and money. I personally think that you can buy this girl love. She was dumped by Ben.

Kalon is a douchebag. America does hate you, douchebag.
“Helicopter fuel is expensive” – Douchebag
“I’m going to ruin your f***ing summer” – America’s Douchebag
I’ll hold you to that, Kalon. I am a girl who’s writing Bachelor Pad recaps.

Here comes the fans!
Paige thinks Chris is attractive. I am already done with her. She will be starstruck even though these people have done absolutely nothing to be deemed “stars.” They went on television and got dumped by someone. That is their claim to fame. She has peed her pants before. Did I say I was already done with her? Because I am already done with her.

Chris is a SWAT officer and describes it as “pretty dangerous.” He also loves to watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette and calls it the best way to unwind after a long day’s work. I am questioning how he got into his occupation.

Donna: Cue exercise and bikini shots. Cue me gagging. She obsessively draws pictures of Michael Stagliano. I was almost not going to judge her for this, because I too, love Stagliano. However, she obsessively draws pictures of him, so I will go ahead and judge her.

David looks like someone from “Jersey Shore.” (Which, for the record, I have never seen even ONE episode of. I have standards.) He thinks Blakeley is attractive. I feel sorry for him.

Brittany and Erica DID come from Jersey Shore. One of them says they would have sex “for us,” like to keep them around in the house. I think she is just a walking STD?
The other one is a virgin, which balances it out.

Random notes as they start to arrive:
Serial Killer Gerard Butler (Chris) is dying to see Lindzi, but he surprisingly plays it pretty cool when he does.
Ed comes next wearing a pink blazer.
I don’t know who Nick is because I didn’t watch Ashley’s season.
Ed says he likes Rachel because he’s a blonde girl type. I think of poor Jillian and hate him more.
I actually watched DeAnna’s season and I absolutely HAVE NO RECOLLECTION of this guy Ryan AT ALL. AT. ALL. He is a 32 year old virgin though, so I don’t know, maybe there’s a reason?
Reid!!!!! GOD, Ed is a douchebag.
I think that blonde girl is drunk. She’s also red so that’s an indicator. Oh, her name is Jaclyn.
Blakeley has literally absolutely NO sense of fashion. I could die.
Jamie apparently was the “crazy kisser” on Ben’s season.
I love Michael Stagliano! (Expect this exclamation to be seen at least once every recap.)

Princess Erica Rose is here. Kalon and she know each other from the Houston social scene. She’s 30 years old and this is her second time on the Bachelor Pad. This is literally all you need to know about her to make a judgment, and your judgment will be right.

“I’m extremely sensitive towards women.” –Kalon, the guy who told Emily (the girl he was trying to woo) not to interrupt him while he was talking and called her daughter baggage.

The girls think the fans will sniff their underwear. Please. PLEASE stop before I actually throw up my dinner. Get over yourselves. You’re not actually famous. You got dumped on national television. By Ben. Who looks like a caveman and like he hasn’t washed his hair in a month ALL THE TIME. So stop.

The girl with the pink dress says that she doesn’t want anyone to hyperventilate after seeing her. She also needs to get over herself and get a serious reality check.

The fan Chris is here, so now there are three Chris’s in the house.

Pants-pee-er Paige is here.

The twins are wearing the same dresses down to their stripper heels and walk in synchronized steps. “I honestly feel like I’m in Disneyland. I feel like a robot.”

Ed is stripping and skinny-dipping. Someone get him another drink.

He is literally running around naked and I’m so glad Jillian dumped him. I can’t believe she was engaged to this monster at some point in her life. It’s really an accomplishment to be the sleaziest contestant on one of the sleaziest shows on the air right now. But Ed did it.

Blakeley says everyone wants Serial Killer Gerard Butler as a partner and calls him athletic and strong. Athletic? Strong? Chris SUCKED at the Highland Games on Emily’s season. He lost EVERYTHING. TRAGICALLY. He actually got a pity award for sucking so much.

My TV signal went out for a while, and I only caught the end of that stay-on-the-heart competition. I like the fact that you actually need physical strength and stamina to have won that. I think it was a legitimate competition. I have become a person who judges the legitimacy of the Bachelor Pad competitions.

David knows every single date of the Bachelorette. It’s actually really, really sad if not massively insane, and it makes me feel better about writing a recap of the Bachelor Pad.

Blakeley is crying because Serial Killer Gerard Butler talked to another girl. She blabbers on about trust. I am starting to think Blakeley will grow old with cats.

Random things I wanted to note during Rose Ceremony:
Serial Killer Gerard Butler is wearing a fun, plaid tie. I actually like it quite a lot.
Dave is an idiot which completes his Jersey Shore look.
I love Reid so much, I cannot even. Better-looking Chandler Bing and way genuine.
The twins are still wearing matching, identical outfits down to their stripper heels.

Paige and SWAT go home because Dave is an idiot that reinforces his Jersey Shore image and made it “an actual Bachelor/ette contestant” vs “fan” competition.

P.S. SWAT, did you actually think that anyone was going to get into a relationship with you?

P.S.S. I wrote this all in the span of the show and only gave it one read-through to edit some minor mistakes that come across when you’re trying to pay attention to a trainwreck/shitshow and make fun of said trainwreck/shitshow at the same time. It’s not very cohesive but I don’t really plan on spending any more time on this recap to be perfectly honest with you.

I apologize, therefore, for my lack of journalism and any mistakes.

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Hopefully you all like! Let me know if I should continue writing these recaps. :) 

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