The Bachelor Gives Girls Tractors and Guns

We pick up this week exactly where we left off last time: the first rose ceremony. Tara is struggling to stand upright, it’s already bring and sunny for the second day, and Kimberly is coming back in determined to stay another week. “Remember two minutes ago when he said goodbye to you? Goodbye means see you later, like, see you never.” Despite Kaitlyn’s wonderful phrasing, Chris lets Kimberly stay after some private chatting in another room.

Prince Farming and host Harrison sit down later that morning for a cup of well deserved coffee. It has me wondering. Did they give everyone a day of rest before jumping into the dates or did they just pack everyone full of coffee and push them into it? The Chris’s end up commiserating that Soules barely remembers anything from the night before (what a guy) and that he’s excited for this journey. I’m sure that must have been scripted, no one even tries to change up the lines from season to season. As Harrison brings the first date card to the women, Soules showers in his outdoor shower (are farmers so outdoorsy they don’t use indoor plumbing?) to get ready.

Jade, Tara, Kimberly, Ashley I, Mackenzie, and Tandra get the first date card, where they’re asked to show him their “country.” Tara and Mackenzie’s overalls seem right at home in this environment, but others like Ashley I certainly don’t. “I’m more Kardashian than I am country.” I don’t know why she thinks she’s Prince Farming’s type if she’s not country, wasn’t that part of the farmer housewife job description? The girls are brought to a pool party before walking through LA in their bikinis to the sounds of honks and looks of shocked people. is this supposed to be a reaction to the NY woman who posted the video of her getting cat called all day? Chris got to put his sweater back on, so I don’t see why those women were forced to walk around in bikinis before their tractor race. Oh, did I forget to mention? The “showing your country” for the date was a slow, uninteresting tractor race. Chris tried to say it was sexy and the girls pretended to have fun but it certainly didn’t make for good TV.

Ashley I and Chris go off with the tractor to awkward sit and try to talk to each other before Chris brings everyone back together to choose Mackenzie for the evening portion of the date. It’s a bit odd to do it this way, without first giving her the rose but off they go to discuss Chris’ large nose and aliens. She also drops the information that she has a child on Chris, and to his credit he doesn’t act surprised that the 21 year old (and youngest contestant on the show) has a kid. Mackenzie is certainly an odd girl, but I guess Chris likes them odd.

While the group date is going on, Jillian and Megan sneak into Chris’ house to check out what he has there. It all seems really staged. Who keeps a motorcycle in the house rather than the garage? But anyway, Jillian is wearing a thong or something else similarly risqué and Megan starts banging her head into things after putting on Chris’ helmet. What an interesting two girls.

Megan gets the one on one date card, which she thought was just a love note. I guess it’s plausible if you’ve never seen or heard of the show before, but you knew he wrote secret admirer letters to Andi on The Bachelorette. That’s understandable right? They fly off to the first remote location date of the season. Things are going pretty quickly this season, but I don’t know if that really means the emotions are building up. Megan seems a bit ditzy but otherwise not too bad. They get a picnic in the Grand Canyon and a helicopter trip over the Hoover Dam, which is not natural like the date card said, but at least the producers probably knew what it was unlike Megan. During their picnic Megan brings up the sad story of her father’s heart attack just weeks before coming on this show. She ends up getting the rose, so her story certainly worked for her.

During Megan’s date, the second sad story of the season was revealed by Juelia, a mother and widow. Shortly after her daughter was born, her husband committed suicide. It certainly is a sad story and she seems really distraught about it, but isn’t ready to tell Chris until some one on one time.

The next group date includes Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt. Lots of girls for this date, it would be great to see some name mixups. Instead, the girls are brought in two limos to this seemingly abandoned area, and then suddenly zombies are swarming the cars. How is this scary? Zombies aren’t real and the producers wouldn’t bring the girls to a dangerous location where something could actually go wrong. Once Chris shows up the girls realize they’re playing paintball to attack the zombies that previously scared them. Ashley S immediately shows her crazy side when examining the paintball guns and aiming them at all the other girls on the date. I don’t know if she plans to shoot the other girls or if she can’t tell the difference between them and the zombie actors. Either way, as everyone is following Chris and having fun as a group Ashley goes walking straight into the mist and starts shooting the actors multiple times over to make sure they’re “dead.”

I really don’t know what Ashley S is smoking, but it isn’t good for her. She showed up while Chris was giving a journal entry and there she is coming up and talking in gibberish, not understanding simple questions from Chris, and crawling around on all fours. He’s really sweet for putting up with her like this, but it really has to stop. Chris gets some one on one time with Kaitlyn and she’s started to seem a lot more normal than last week. She even got the group rose over Britt, so clearly Chris is really into her.

The cocktail party the next night turns into a bit of a mess. Ashley I astounds Mackenzie by revealing she’s a virgin, then proceeds to make Chris rub her Prince Jasmine inspired belly button ring to kiss her. I wonder what his other two wishes will be… Mackenzie became insanely jealous by the Ashley being a virgin because guys love taking someones virginity. I don’t know if that’s really all true, but if Chris wasn’t sure before the make out then he must know after. She looked so uncomfortable and their full face make out was a bit off-putting. Next, Jordan got smashed and made a fool of herself by telling Chris she put on lipstick because he kisses girls with lipstick — which he proceeded not to do with her.

Girls Who Stay: Mackenzie (group date), Megan (1on1), Kaitlyn (group date), Britt, Ashley I, Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and Ashley S.

This was one of the more interesting rose ceremonies. Jillian thought she heard her name called when Chris said Juelia and as she stepped off her platform she tripped on the rug and almost collapsed. She managed to hold it together with a very strange laugh and then fixing the carpet. She was chosen after which certainly fixed her previous awkward moment but it was a bit strange. Ashley S stayed around for another week. She accepted the rose but it was hard to tell if her blank eyes really knew what was happening. Hopefully the producers don’t want to keep her around for too much longer.

Tweet with me @reviewsbylauren every Monday at 8pm as the episode airs!