Bachelor Girl’s First Impressions: Who Gets Our Rose?

Let’s be honest, first impressions are about looks and whether they sound like Janice or a normal person. Most are pretty ditzy, and even more seem to lose any intelligence they might have during the season. Although the questionnaire they answer is pretty stupid, sometimes contestants manage to let their crazy show through. So with that, let’s look at the cast of the Ben Higgins’ season!

Amanda has two children and is terrified of aging, so she uses botox. She seems both serious and not ready for this. Are you ready for the sob story with the baby daddy?

Amber is a 30 year old bartender who’s been on too many of these show’s to find success, modelling or in love. I had to look her up, because I don’t even remember her from the multiple appearances.

beccaBecca is another returning cast member, and she’s terribly boring. There was nothing memorable about her time with Chris, and I can’t imagine that changing with Ben. I don’t expect her to stay on for very long, except that she knows the process and Ben might end up boring as well. Then again, her virginity might entice the producers to keep her around for some more awkward sensual yoga-type dates.

Breanne looks a little crazy, especially with her shirt and the fashionista claims. Plus, if she expects Ben to pursue her she doesn’t understand the point of The Bachelor.

Caila seems so young she shouldn’t be allowed on this show. I’m not sure whether she’ll become the crazy drunk or overly sexual girl, or just seem immature on all levels. Plus, wanting three kids because it fits into a 5-seater car isn’t the worst reason for wanting 3 kids.

haleyThen there’s Emily and Haley, the twins. Their occupation is literally twin, because the Bachelor producers must want to fuck with us. Do they have no job, and are hoping to get into modelling with this (or porn, since they have a good market for twins)? They’re 22, so the youngest girls of the season, and cheerleaders. Haley (pictured) is the more famous of the two, having been a runner up on the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader show, and is my favourite from their images and bios. Whoops! I wonder how they’ll react when Ben prefers one over the other.. or are they going to be a package deal?

50 Shades of Grey wasn’t a good book, in fact it was terrible, but Izzy loved it. At least, she loved the first little bit (before the tampon scene, I’m sure) and then saw the movie because she doesn’t like to read just.that.much.

Gerontology is the study of aging, so I’m assuming Jackie and Amanda will get along great. She also described her ultimate date as the classic Bachelor trope of exciting/scary date then a picnic – no wonder she made it on.

Jami is the resident Canadian for the season, coming from a small city near Edmonton. She also wants to hold her own in a group of men, but I don’t think she’s the type to become a Bachelorette.

jenniferThis is Jennifer. She owns her own business, so she may not want to move from Florida. She desperately wants to be married, likes football, and thinks tanning nude at a beach is a law she needs to break. You don’t need to break a law to do that Jennifer, just go to a nude beach.

Jessica doesn’t do it for me. I don’t know what it is about her photo, but I definitely don’t expect to like her on the show. She seems a bit awkward, and will probably be one of the first to cry and get jealous when other girls get attention as well. Her bio is full of red flags, from her desire for a man to pursue her, to one of her favourite movies being Transformers.

JoJo’s special talent is making a 3-leaf clover with her tongue, so I bet she’ll be one of the more forward and wild girls of the series. She also doesn’t realize that being too hot OR cold can hurt, and that tomatoes aren’t both fruits and vegetables, so I wouldn’t trust her too much.

Jubilee’s a war vet so we’ll get some patriotism and sad stories from her, but she also describes an ideal mate a bit more realistic: intellectual, laid back, and easy going. Unfortunately, wanting someone reserved doesn’t bode well for the craziness of the Bachelor.

lacePicture a real estate agent going on a show like this, and you’ll get Lace. She has quite specific requirements for her ideal guy, and wants to be pursued. Her embarrassing moment involves not flushing the toilet after pooping when a guy is about to come over. Forget the guy coming over, not flushing is weird enough as it is.

Laura is 24 and already knows the ups and downs of marriage. Something tells me she’s going to have stories galore about her parents, and how it’s made her prepared for marriage at a young age. Her breaking a law answer is a lot more fun than Jennifer’s, who doesn’t want to rob a casino and then rub shoulders with Pitt and Clooney? I think we’ll be friends.

And now we get to all the Lauren’s, so I’ll try to differentiate them. LB thinks marriage means always putting your partner before herself, and expects her date to always pay. She’s a little too old fashioned for my taste. She did join a sorority which is so unlike her, so I’m sure she’ll get along great in the mansion of women. B thinks brunch mimosas are a guilty pleasure and she loves love. She’ll be a cryer, for sure. But, she admits the Bachelor is outrageous and sounds intelligent in her answers. I’ll keep my eye on her. H is a kindergarten teacher so if Ben wants kids he’ll be drawn to this, but she gets set up a lot and it doesn’t work out so something must be off. Her answers are a little too intense for my taste. Lastly, Lauren R conquers her fears and thinks Drake isn’t mainstream.Why does everyone want pizza with their dead trio?

Leah has tattoos she’s not proud of and twerked during her Bachelor interview, so clearly she makes poor choices. Plus, she’s really picky about where she meets guys (“online dating… no thanks!”) but thinks this is an appropriate place to do so?

maeganMaegan thinks sexual harassment is a great way to meet a new guy and sounds like a real Texas charmer. I’m sure she’ll be crass and drunk on the first night.

Mandi is the dream contestant. She’s ambitious (and sounds overconfident), loves being in a bikini, and drinks too much. The party’s just getting started!

Olivia seems sweet. Her guilty pleasure is french fries, she likes the cold, and isn’t easily embarrassed. Let’s see how that changes during the season.

rachelUnemployed is rarely the occupation of choice on this show. Normally you get ‘twin’ or ‘chicken enthusiast’ or something… Free spirit even, but Rachel owns it and expects to be settled by the time she’s thirty, with money and a dog. As for her photo, I’m not sure what she’s trying to do. The head tilt is says I’m not here for the money, but her face doesn’t lie.

Bad breath and awkward silence aren’t the worst things that could happen on a date. You could get food poisoning, or wind up on a date with a serial killer who shoots you as he drops you off home (Criminal Minds, anyone?). I’m just saying, Samantha really isn’t thinking that through.

Shushanna had a five year relationship I’m sure we’ll hear about, and she stopped believing in love. I don’t know if this show will really help restore that faith.

Tiara is… let’s just say odd. I don’t know how you make money as a chicken enthusiast, or why you would ever want anybody to know about it, but that’s her ‘occupation.’ She’s the centre of attention and loves chickens. Chickens chickens chickens. I imagine her as being like Crazy Ashley with the onion/pomegranate.

So what do you think of the contestants? Does anyone stand out to you? Do you even remember the repeats? Let me know in the comments below, and don’t forget to pick your five favourites for the Bachelor fantasy draft.

Follow along as I livetweet the first episode on Monday, January 4 8pm PST. If you’re a contestant and have something to say, email me here.