The Bachelor is satisfied in Finland + the Women Tell All

Last week, Raven started her date with Nick and revealed she’d never had an orgasm (with her ex? at all? who knows). This week we get to find out how their fantasy suite ended, then watch his dates with Rachel and Vanessa.

And then, the cat-fight of the Women Tell All (which is not live, no matter how much they try and tell us it is) comes on. If you thought 3 hours was too much, just wait for next week when we’ve got another 3 for the finale and After the Final Rose.

So we get the super cliched “I just had sex” montage of Raven dancing around in the snow which is really cute, but also completely absurd. I guess she got hers? It just made me want to see her on Bachelor in Paradise, preferably with dolphin girl Alexis by her side.

Rachel is up next, but I’m not sure what to think – we know she’s going home, right? They end up failing at cross country skiing before feeding reindeer and taking a sleigh ride. And then Nick called himself a minority (of refreshing/interesting men, but STILL) so he’s kind of gross. But at least he opted for a lower neckline than on Raven’s date, because that turtleneck was a bit much. But then after much conversation, he finally gets her to say she’s falling for him – and he actually tells her the same thing!! It’s kind of heartbreaking, knowing that Rachel is being really vulnerable and it won’t work out, but I can’t get over how cute they are together. Her penguin onesie the next morning is so perfect, everything makes me so happy about her.

Vanessa is up last and uses her time to really challenge Nick in a hot tub. Were all the girls given the same hat, just in different colours? Did the producers not think we would notice? They end up having a discussion about whether she’s too traditional and he’s too non-conforming because of their families, and it really felt like he was trying to cause problems. Just touch her thigh and walk her out already. I’m sure she’ll end up winning but I cannot imagine them succeeding. It just feels like they’re talking in circles around each other, as Nick tries to make Vanessa angry enough to cause a scene.

They really blew through Rachel’s date on the way to Vanessa’s more dramatic, troubled one on one because ~drama~ and possible real-life issues make much better wife-edits. But does that predictability also make this whole thing a little boring? Oh well, at least we have Women Tell All to hopefully keep it exciting. But before that, we need the rose ceremony – and they actually give it to us this week! After a bunch of crying and sniffling, he gives Raven the first rose, putting Vanessa and Rachel against each other again. Did he know they were feuding? Vanessa gets the second rose, leaving Rachel out in the cold as everyone must have expected. When he pulls her away, everything feels so weird. He’s crying, he hugs her so desperately like he never wants to let her go… I don’t understand why he’s breaking up with Rachel. Everything he said and did made it seem like he couldn’t believe he was saying goodbye to her.

And then the WTA begins and Chris Harrison finally gets to put his hosting skills to good use. Except, he doesn’t – instead, letting all the girls rail against each other until we can’t hear anything at all.

So Liz gets the hot-seat treatment first to cry about her portrayal and explain her journey on the show. She’s just the same as before: nothing about her story makes sense and she’s trying to turn it around like she ended things with Nick – which wasn’t how that breakup went at all.

But they quickly switch track and move onto Taylor and Corinne, which is just a complete mess. Taylor’s up on stage to start and continues to ramble and really sound incompetent. She’s upset that Corinne has hurt her career as a counsellor, but I’m pretty sure the problem is what she said and did on the show and not how Corinne acted towards her. You don’t get judged for what someone else says towards you.

Then Corinne is up and…she’s the bratty, silly girl she was all season. She acts just like you’d expect from a kind of privileged, self-centered girl. By the end of their whole exchange, it’s clear more of the girls are on Corinne’s side than Taylor’s and that makes a lot of sense. But isn’t it sad when Chris Harrison is a better counsellor than the professional counsellor Taylor?

After that, we get some time with Kristina before Nick comes on to face the women. He clearly doesn’t know how to handle all these women he’s dumped, but he manages to field a lot of questions pretty well – even if he gives no concrete answers. Apparently, Danielle L had told him she was in love with him (WAY too early), Kristina didn’t understand what went wrong with them, and I still don’t understand his relationship with Corinne.