The Bachelor episode 1: Did you know Colton’s a virgin?

Did you know Colton was a virgin? Me neither… turns out, it’s all they can talk about, as expected. I’m sure they thought we’d get another Sean Lowe situation out of this season, but instead, we have all the women channelling their inner dirty girls vying to be the first one he sleeps with for the season. Wasn’t this show supposed to be about love?

But let’s backtrack a little. Who’s Colton again?

He’s the man who ‘dated’ Tia for what seems like one date, or a weekend, or something, just before finding out he was heading to the Bachelorette. There, he was heartbroken by Becca when she didn’t want to deal with the continuing Tia/Colton drama. He went on Bachelor in Paradise as well, because what better location to continue the Tia drama… but that didn’t work out either. The producers thought everyone loved him from that ordeal… but really we’re just sick and tired of him. Great pick for the next Bachelor right? #TeamJason.

Either way, here we are—with Colton. I’m not saying he isn’t sweet, because he is, but he’s also a little puppy dog and too young to really slot into this role.

After an hour of live nothingness with proposals and check-ins on all the former Bachelor Nation people, we finally get to the limo entrances that we’ve all been waiting for. There’s the sloth-girl Caitlyn who turns out to be fine as hell once she takes that costume off, Cinderella Erin who shows up with a full, lit-up carriage, and Tracy who screeched up in a cop car as the ‘fashion police’. How clever.

As always, the best limo entrances are the girls who don’t use a major set-piece but instead make a sweet connection with Colton. Some of the smaller props like a bag of nuts or an empty wrapped box have a bit more personality and are cheesy in a cute way. At least, that’s the intention.

Suddenly, Chris Harrison plops down the First Impression Rose and there’s even more pressure. If you’re looking for a good indicator of who ends up winning it, always take a glance at that first rose. Catherine takes on the villain role immediately, stealing Colton away from other girls THREE TIMES. That’s unprecedented for the show but certainly similar to Coach Krystal from season’s past. Of course, she turned out to be quite a trouble-maker with her girls, as well. In the end, Colton gives his first impression rose to sweetie-pie Hannah G. She seems like the most innocent, honest, adorable girl so far (and that’s not just because she’s my top pick in fantasy pools).

The villain always squeaks through for the first half of a season, and Catherine was no different, snapping up that final rose of the night. For a rundown of all the roses: Hannah G (first impression), Caelynn, Katie, Alex B, Hannah B, Onyeka, Caitlyn, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and Catherine.

What did you think of the first episode? I can’t believe they stretched it out to a full three hours and didn’t even include more of the fun, sweet moments with the girls. Does anyone care about random people getting engaged? Am I too single and grumpy? Who knows…

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